Live blog: The Hills

It's my secret shame.

I admit it, I watch The Hills. Not always, just occasionally.

I can't explain it. Sometimes I just really love trashy, disposable, mind-numbing TV. And The Hills is that. In spades. It all started with that visual crack, Laguna Beach. Maybe it's the perfect soft lighting, the hyper-real photography. It just looks so nice.

Ehhhh, whatever. I'll save the psychoanalysis for another day. Now it's time for a live (um, via DVR delay) play-by-play of the Season 4 premiere. When we last saw our heroes, Lo kept looking at new roomie Audrina like she smelled bad; Lauren and Audrina were in the process of breaking up as friends, largely because of (or at least perceived to be because of) Lo; The girls' puppy was suddenly big (almost as if the episodes were shot weeks, even months apart, hmmm); and Heidi jeopardized her new jet-set job in Vegas to go back to that douchebag Spencer. What will happen next? MTV promises new relationships, new betrayals and undoubtedly new bad decisions by all involved. Here we go...

Well, Audrina hasn't moved out yet. And Lauren & Lo are throwing her a birthday part. Oooh, Lauren has a hot date! Someone from high school who isn't Stephen. Sad thing is, as much as I thought Stephen was a total tool on Laguna Beach, he now looks so much better compared to the idiots Lauren has been hooking up with since then.

Ahh, opening theme song. Feel the rain on your skin! How do the producers time and time again make crappy pop songs somehow tolerable by synching them perfectly to iconic images? It's like magic. Or else I'm just a sap.

Uh oh, Heidi's sister is visiting and that sounds like trouble. She hasn't told Spencer about the surprise houseguest. Why's she hiding her? Is she hiding Spencer from her sister? Well that part would make sense.

Quote from Audrina: "Lo's always just real bitchy. That's just the way she is." Methinks the roommate situation isn't going well. Can't say I disagree with her assessment though.

Heidi's sister Holly is sitting in the living room, looking uncomfortable as Spencer ignores her and plays video games. Heidi comes home . . . . and he walks out of the room in a huff. Smooth. Then they fight about Holly's visit right in earshot of her. That would be awkward if these two had any self-awareness or shame.

Lo's way too excited about Lauren's dating life.

Meet Doug, Lauren's date. He has somewhat of a faux-hawk and can't bother to button the cuffs of his shirt. He says he's adjusting well to living in L.A. Good for him, it's usually such a hard adjustment coming all the way from exotic Orange County.

They go out to dinner. Doug to Lauren: "So what have you been up to for the past four years?" Um, dude, do you not watch MTV?

Doug asks for a second date about 5 minutes into dinner. Smooooove. But he snags an invitation to Audrina's birthday bash.

Commercials: Super Sweet 16 meets Intervention in something called Exiled. Divas in the African bush and highlands of Peru. That looks awesome. What better way to make more people around the world hate Americans even more than to ship them our most spoiled princesses for a week of shrill whining? Eh, who am I kidding, I'll probably check it out.

Back to the show. Heidi and Holly are making breakfast. Holly offers some to Spencer, who literally turns his nose up at it. "Did you make it? Then no," he says. Heidi gets mad at him for being such a douchebag. And he goes back to bed. At noon. What a winner. OK, I know they're publicity whores and it's all an act, but wow, those two are just so unpleasant to watch.

Audrina's birthday party. Doug shows up in a Lamar Odom Lakers jersey. Lamar Odom? Really? Some people like underachievers, I guess. How appropriate. His buddy has a Kobe Bryant jersey. Ummm . . . those blonde white girls better watch out. And basketball jerseys? Really? Who wears those in public?

Audrina's friends -- many tats, many piercings and a giant red mohawk mixed into the wannabe hipster/suburban punk mix. Like the crowd at a Good Charlotte show, only with fewer 12-year-old girls. Lo views them from a distance, looking appalled. And she voices her barely concealed contempt of Audrina's friends right to Audrina, who looks kinda hurt. Lauren shoots her the evil eye. Ooooh! Drama building! Why is Lo even hanging around the party if she hates it so much? Go shopping or something. But that would mean she couldn't be the center of attention, so . . .

Heidi & Holly go to a salon. Heidi hasn't told her parents about the Spencer drama. "I don't need them knowing every detail of my relationship," she says. And the best way to maintain one's privacy is to . . . . air it on national TV. Makes perfect sense. Her family must be so proud.

Holly tried to be subtle and hints that Heidi's throwing away her life on a loser like Spencer. Ya think? Heidi gets defensive and puckers up before the dramatic fade-out.

Justin Bobby shows up to the pool party. His wit and wisdom is actually growing on me. And I can't believe I just wrote that last sentence.

Lo's inside, upstairs, avoiding people, playing with the dog, not making any effort. Lo says she's making an effort. No she's not.

Awkward, stilted conversation between Lauren and Kobe jersey guy about her friendship with Lo and Audrina. How to choose? Because as everyone knows, you can only have one best friend, and you have to dump anyone else.

Holly's trip is over and she's going home. She says she had the best time in her whole life. How sad. And WTF? What did she do other than get a makeover and draw glares from Spencer? "Maybe I can just move out here," says Holly. She ponders staying with Heidi. SLAM goes the car door as Spencer can't pack Holly's bags fast enough. Spencer is not big on the idea of a new roomie. Somewhere an MTV producer is salivating, imagining the three of them living together in a spinoff. Call it Three's a Crowd.

Cut to Whitney at People's Revolution, talking to Lauren. Nice bit of exposition in her questions. "So how did it go off-camera after that last scene?" might be more genuine.

Lauren thinks Lo's trying to be nice to Audrina. Lauren's delusional. Or just too self-absorbed to be perceptive. Whitney sympathetically angles her head.

Lo and Audrina: Time for the Big Talk. Insincere greeting and small talk. Lo blows it off and cuts to the chase. She thinks they aren't getting along. Very astute. Audrina says she feels like a third wheel.

...And my recording cuts off. Thanks MTV, for running over your timeslot, and thanks Comcast, for your DVR that cuts off before the show's over.

Oh well, it's more of a cliffhanger this way. Gotta say, it was a pretty boring episode. Not enough cattiness, dimly lit drama or exotic locales. Not even a single infinity pool! OK, that's enough for now. I'm feeling lightheaded from the brain cells I killed watching that.