My kind of marathon

Marathons are inherently stupid.

Seems like everyone I know is currently training for a marathon or half-marathon or triathlon or some such nonsense. I don't get the appeal. The first marathoner, some Greek dude who brought news of victory at the Battle of Marathon (hmmm, coincidence?), dropped dead when he finished. How does that inspire people to follow suit? "Wow, you mean I can feel excruciating muscle pain, have my body start to eat itself, get bloody nipples, lose control of my bowels AND maybe die at the end? Sounds awesome, count me in!"

No, my friend. Not for me. Now a TV marathon, on the other hand? Pure awesomeness. That's how I catch up with The Real World (well, not any more, but back in the day), The Hills, Top Gear, Reno 911 and whatever other cable shows I forget to tune into regularly. And especially No Reservations. Not the awful movie with Catherine Zeta-Jones (who pulls off an Alba-esque job of horrible acting in that one), but the brilliant food/travel show with Anthony Bourdain.

Traveling to exotic locales (Iceland, Vietnam, Romania and Ghana in past seasons) armed with nothing more than acerbic wit and a sense of adventure, Bourdain gives us a glimpse of how the rest of the world really eats. And warthog anuses aside, a lot of it looks really, really good. From the teeming megamalls of Singapore to the meat markets of Paris to the street vendors of Sao Paolo, it's an absorbing, eye-opening reminder of what makes food great -- simplicity, creativity and the company of good friends. And booze. Oh yeah, he drinks. A lot. But how else would I have gotten turned on to caipirinhas? (Look it up and try one, they're yummy.)

Now's the perfect time to catch up on Tony's travels. Travel Channel is airing an episode a day this week (usually at 1 p.m., set your DVR), punctuated by a Season 4 marathon starting at 9 a.m. Monday (Peru, followed by Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Greek Islands, Hawaii, U.S. Southwest, Uruguay, Colombia, Saudi Arabia, Laos, Egypt, Tokyo and Spain). The marathon's followed by an end-of-summer clip show at 10 p.m. which promises to show the silliest moments, biggest and baddest foods and most exciting experiences (Beirut, anyone?) from No Reservations. If you're new to the show, this is a good way to get acquainted with it.

And really, what better way to spend Labor Day then to sit on a couch, do absolutely nothing and watch people eat all day? God bless America!
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Record It: Venture Bros.

Set your DVR for the Season 4 finale of The Venture Bros. (11:30 p.m. Sunday, Cartoon Network), as the threat of imminent and grisly death once again looms over the Venture family and their Swedish-murder-machine bodyguard, Brock Sampson. Their evil archenemy, The Monarch, and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch (the former Dr. Girlfriend) have overrun the Venture compound, Doc and the boys are on the run, and O.S.I. hitmen are out to terminate the now mullet-less Brock with extreme prejudice. Who will survive? Who will be horribly dismembered? Who will be cloned and reanimated at a later date?

If you're not familiar with the Ventures' adventures (think Johnny Quest only sicker, more twisted and bloodier), there's really no better time to finally tune in than the second part of the cliffhanger Season 4 finale. Ummm, yeah. . . . watch it anyway. It rocks.
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Live blog: The Hills

It's my secret shame.

I admit it, I watch The Hills. Not always, just occasionally.

I can't explain it. Sometimes I just really love trashy, disposable, mind-numbing TV. And The Hills is that. In spades. It all started with that visual crack, Laguna Beach. Maybe it's the perfect soft lighting, the hyper-real photography. It just looks so nice.

Ehhhh, whatever. I'll save the psychoanalysis for another day. Now it's time for a live (um, via DVR delay) play-by-play of the Season 4 premiere. When we last saw our heroes, Lo kept looking at new roomie Audrina like she smelled bad; Lauren and Audrina were in the process of breaking up as friends, largely because of (or at least perceived to be because of) Lo; The girls' puppy was suddenly big (almost as if the episodes were shot weeks, even months apart, hmmm); and Heidi jeopardized her new jet-set job in Vegas to go back to that douchebag Spencer. What will happen next? MTV promises new relationships, new betrayals and undoubtedly new bad decisions by all involved. Here we go...

Well, Audrina hasn't moved out yet. And Lauren & Lo are throwing her a birthday part. Oooh, Lauren has a hot date! Someone from high school who isn't Stephen. Sad thing is, as much as I thought Stephen was a total tool on Laguna Beach, he now looks so much better compared to the idiots Lauren has been hooking up with since then.

Ahh, opening theme song. Feel the rain on your skin! How do the producers time and time again make crappy pop songs somehow tolerable by synching them perfectly to iconic images? It's like magic. Or else I'm just a sap.

Uh oh, Heidi's sister is visiting and that sounds like trouble. She hasn't told Spencer about the surprise houseguest. Why's she hiding her? Is she hiding Spencer from her sister? Well that part would make sense.

Quote from Audrina: "Lo's always just real bitchy. That's just the way she is." Methinks the roommate situation isn't going well. Can't say I disagree with her assessment though.

Heidi's sister Holly is sitting in the living room, looking uncomfortable as Spencer ignores her and plays video games. Heidi comes home . . . . and he walks out of the room in a huff. Smooth. Then they fight about Holly's visit right in earshot of her. That would be awkward if these two had any self-awareness or shame.

Lo's way too excited about Lauren's dating life.

Meet Doug, Lauren's date. He has somewhat of a faux-hawk and can't bother to button the cuffs of his shirt. He says he's adjusting well to living in L.A. Good for him, it's usually such a hard adjustment coming all the way from exotic Orange County.

They go out to dinner. Doug to Lauren: "So what have you been up to for the past four years?" Um, dude, do you not watch MTV?

Doug asks for a second date about 5 minutes into dinner. Smooooove. But he snags an invitation to Audrina's birthday bash.

Commercials: Super Sweet 16 meets Intervention in something called Exiled. Divas in the African bush and highlands of Peru. That looks awesome. What better way to make more people around the world hate Americans even more than to ship them our most spoiled princesses for a week of shrill whining? Eh, who am I kidding, I'll probably check it out.

Back to the show. Heidi and Holly are making breakfast. Holly offers some to Spencer, who literally turns his nose up at it. "Did you make it? Then no," he says. Heidi gets mad at him for being such a douchebag. And he goes back to bed. At noon. What a winner. OK, I know they're publicity whores and it's all an act, but wow, those two are just so unpleasant to watch.

Audrina's birthday party. Doug shows up in a Lamar Odom Lakers jersey. Lamar Odom? Really? Some people like underachievers, I guess. How appropriate. His buddy has a Kobe Bryant jersey. Ummm . . . those blonde white girls better watch out. And basketball jerseys? Really? Who wears those in public?

Audrina's friends -- many tats, many piercings and a giant red mohawk mixed into the wannabe hipster/suburban punk mix. Like the crowd at a Good Charlotte show, only with fewer 12-year-old girls. Lo views them from a distance, looking appalled. And she voices her barely concealed contempt of Audrina's friends right to Audrina, who looks kinda hurt. Lauren shoots her the evil eye. Ooooh! Drama building! Why is Lo even hanging around the party if she hates it so much? Go shopping or something. But that would mean she couldn't be the center of attention, so . . .

Heidi & Holly go to a salon. Heidi hasn't told her parents about the Spencer drama. "I don't need them knowing every detail of my relationship," she says. And the best way to maintain one's privacy is to . . . . air it on national TV. Makes perfect sense. Her family must be so proud.

Holly tried to be subtle and hints that Heidi's throwing away her life on a loser like Spencer. Ya think? Heidi gets defensive and puckers up before the dramatic fade-out.

Justin Bobby shows up to the pool party. His wit and wisdom is actually growing on me. And I can't believe I just wrote that last sentence.

Lo's inside, upstairs, avoiding people, playing with the dog, not making any effort. Lo says she's making an effort. No she's not.

Awkward, stilted conversation between Lauren and Kobe jersey guy about her friendship with Lo and Audrina. How to choose? Because as everyone knows, you can only have one best friend, and you have to dump anyone else.

Holly's trip is over and she's going home. She says she had the best time in her whole life. How sad. And WTF? What did she do other than get a makeover and draw glares from Spencer? "Maybe I can just move out here," says Holly. She ponders staying with Heidi. SLAM goes the car door as Spencer can't pack Holly's bags fast enough. Spencer is not big on the idea of a new roomie. Somewhere an MTV producer is salivating, imagining the three of them living together in a spinoff. Call it Three's a Crowd.

Cut to Whitney at People's Revolution, talking to Lauren. Nice bit of exposition in her questions. "So how did it go off-camera after that last scene?" might be more genuine.

Lauren thinks Lo's trying to be nice to Audrina. Lauren's delusional. Or just too self-absorbed to be perceptive. Whitney sympathetically angles her head.

Lo and Audrina: Time for the Big Talk. Insincere greeting and small talk. Lo blows it off and cuts to the chase. She thinks they aren't getting along. Very astute. Audrina says she feels like a third wheel.

...And my recording cuts off. Thanks MTV, for running over your timeslot, and thanks Comcast, for your DVR that cuts off before the show's over.

Oh well, it's more of a cliffhanger this way. Gotta say, it was a pretty boring episode. Not enough cattiness, dimly lit drama or exotic locales. Not even a single infinity pool! OK, that's enough for now. I'm feeling lightheaded from the brain cells I killed watching that.
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Meet your Amazing Racers

Easy kids, you'll get your Amazing Race fix soon. Season 14 premieres Sept. 28. Among the exotic locales they'll visit this time around: La Paz, Bolivia (let's hope for a good physical challenge in the thin air there), Kazakhstan (brace yourself for Borat jokes), and Cambodia (watch where you step!). Here's a quickie handicap of the field.

Mark & Bill: The Geek Squad. They think strategy will pay off for them. Well, strategy won't do you much good if you can't rappel down a cliff-face. They sound a little too analytical. But teams with bearded guys have had a good track record. They won't win, but they may become the fan favorites. Because Amazing Race fans are geeks. (Sorry, but you know it's true.)

Anita & Arthur: The Hippies, Parent Edition. Oh god, they're annoying me already. They say they believe in the basic goodness in people. Saps. Organic saps, at that. I predict bad puns, hippie cliches and an early exit. TTOW!

Terence & Sarah: The "Opposites" Couple. His faux-hawk bugs me. But they're fit and in uber-competitive fields. They could be a contender. Could their "dietary restrictions" be their downfall? I'd love to watch a vegan choke down some raw beef.

Marisa & Brooke: The Sorority Sisters. Two blonde hotties who look exactly alike. How unique. They bore me already, and let's see how they cope without makeup. My guess: Not well.

Andrew & Dan: Team "Superbad." Interesting. The frat-boy tag is a red flag, which concerns me. On the other hand, they could they be funny, likeable frat boys like Kevin & Drew. They don't have that typical frat boy/date rapist look, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they'll be competitive and provide comic relief.

Aja & Ty: The Long-Distance Couple. Sigh. Another one? Stupid Internet. Let's see, he has trouble being on time and she's easily upset. I predict an epic meltdown (hopefully involving a camel) and a mid-season elimination.

Toni & Dallas: The Mom & Son. And both with androgenous names. Ooooh, he's passionate and flirty. I hate him already. Mom & Son teams tend to do poorly, and I don't see these guys bucking that trend.

Nick & Starr: The Brother-Sister Team. Oh, and they'll "stop at nothing to win." Yawn. Hmm, he's a dancer, which is code for...um, yeah. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) They sound kinda like the second coming of Blake & Paige from Season 2, only with jazz hands. They look fit and could be formidable. But what's with the camouflage?

Kelly & Christy: The Best Friends. And more cheerleaders. At least they don't look alike. Sweet Texas charm, magnetic personalities, no travel experience......BZZZZZT. Game over. I predict they'll be the first to go.

Ken & Tina: The Separated Couple. Married but hoping to reconnect? Strike one. Past infidelity? Strike two. Dedicated Christians? Strike three. They're going to be the team you roll your eyes at the most. Sounds like they have the brains and braun to compete, but they're too dysfunctional to be around at the end. Fearless prediction: I'll cheer at their elimination. Oh, and he's a former NFL player, but not one anyone's ever heard of.

Anthony & Stephanie: The Putting-Our-Relationship-to-the-Test Couple. Yep, there's always one of these. Will it work? Of course not. Here's a hint: Going on a reality show for six weeks won't solve your relationship problems. Idiots. Sounds like they'll be the bickering couple. Ugh. Sadly, I predict they'll be the team who somehow survive week after week despite themselves.

OK, so what have we got? A lineup straight out of central casting, that's what. White, model/actor types, the token minority, the token old folks, and people who probably describe themselves as "intense." Pretty disappointing group, considering that Season 12 actually had a selection of people you might actually find outside Hollywood.

Prediction for the final three: Terence & Sarah, Nick & Starr, Anthony & Stephanie. Remember which ones those are? Of course not. They're all interchangeable. Sigh.

Early favorite teams: Team Superbad and . . . . wow, who else? Maybe the Geek Squad, just because they seem to be relatively normal people. Other than that? Yikes, I might be feeling a lot of hate every Sunday night.
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Hold on, I'm watching modern pentathlon

The Summer Olympics is great background TV. It's on just to be on, just in case something happens, but mostly it just provides ambient noise and a comforting flickering glow.

I had been excited about the Olympics, and all 3,000-odd hours NBC would broadcast, much of it in HD. Then I tuned in and quickly remembered that most of it is really, really boring. Endless qualifying heats, opening rounds and obscure sports that no matter how hard I try, I just can't get into (sorry, team handball).

There are moments of excitement -- the swimming finals have been gripping, and the final leg of the men's 4x100 freestyle relay might have been the best moment of the Summer Games. And Michael Phelps is almost single-handedly creating must-see TV every time he plunges into the pool.

But can the average viewer get that psyched for whitewater kayaking (way to go, Togo!)? Or fencing? Or equestrian? I'm sure there are inspiring storylines, but it can be hard to care about sports that you completely forget even exist if there are no Olympics around to remind you. Then there are the sports that really aren't sports -- the synchronized diving, the trampoline, the rhythmic gymnastics. If they went away, would anyone notice? How about adding a few more viewer-friendly sports, such as golf, rugby . . . even bring back tug of war! I'd watch that. Seriously. Wait, the fact that I just watched the U.S. beat Italy in water polo proves I'd watch anything. Let's put it this way -- I'd pay more attention if there were better sports.

That's why I like the Winter Olympics better. Hockey, skiing, speedskating, bobsled -- more speed, more action, more risks of crashing and getting mangled. I can even get into the smaller sports, like cross-country skiing. The Winter Games are smaller scale, more intimate, and the corporate sponsorships are slightly less annoying. They're just more my speed as a viewer.

But we're stuck with another week and a half of the Summer Olympics, so we'd better make the best of it. Michael Phelps still has 5 more golds to win, and other swimmers should make a name for themselves in the coming days (Katie Hoff, time to step up!). Track & field starts next week, and that tends to be more exciting that swimming, if for no other reason than you can see them better when they race. And then there'll be the finals in basketball, soccer, softball and baseball, which should be exciting even if the Americans aren't involved.

Here's hoping for some memorable moments. They can't come soon enough.
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"Donna Martin Graduates!"

Say it ain't so! Tori Spelling has apparently dropped out of the CW's revamped Beverly Hills 90210 set to debut next month. Spelling reportedly wanted to be paid as much as fellow returning alumni Jenny Garth and Shannen Doherty. Producers balked. So Spelling walked.

Somehow you know this wouldn't happen if Aaron Spelling was still alive.
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What to watch tonight

Hopkins (10 p.m., ABC).

Amazing show. Tonight's the season finale of the seven-episode summer documentary following doctors and patients at Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore. Forget House or ER or Grey's Anatomy, Hopkins is the real deal when it comes to life-or-death drama. Full episodes are available for free at ABC.com, so you still have a chance to check it out past episodes. If you're not choked up by the end, you just don't have a soul.

Mmmm, brain surgery in HD. . . now THAT'S must-see TV.

Also: The season finale of My Boys (9:30 p.m., TBS) -- Will Bobby marry the hot Swede? Will PJ realize he's the guy for her? And what's up with Kenny and Stephanie hooking up? (Though who couldn't have seen that coming?)
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